How to give and receive constructive criticism

I was going through some old papers in my office and came across a document called, “How to give and receive constructive criticism.” The content in it is really good and forces me to consider this very important aspect of my relationships. I don’t know who wrote it, there’s no name on it. Here are some of thoughts that are shared in it that may prove to be valuable for you in your marriage, with your children, and within our relationships as brothers and sisters in Christ.

“First behold the beam in your eye…” Matthew 7:1-5.

However, one is not to deal with oneself alone. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend...,” Proverbs 27:6. “Admonish one another…,” Romans 15:14. “Silence may be golden but sometimes it is just plain yellow.” The old adage, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all,” is not true. Sometimes it takes courage to warn or instruct a person so s/he is built up spiritually. It may be what is sorely needed.

Bible Instructions: Proverbs 12:1: “He that hates reproof is stupid…” Proverbs 12:15: “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel…” Proverbs 3:11: “My son, do not reject the discipline of the LORD or loathe His reproof…” Proverbs 25:12: “Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear…” Ephesians 4:15: “…But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ…”

All of us are imperfect and need help! This is true of every relationship. We all have room to grow. Husbands and wives, parents and children, etc. need help from one another. We tend to shun it, but we need it! Have you ever tried to proofread your own work? We all need help from others who periodically shed light on our blind spots. Proverbs 16:2: “All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight, but the LORD weighs the motives.” Self-deception is the worst kind! The problem is not the criticism – but destructive criticism. Too often we don’t know how to do it right so we avoid it all together.

How to give criticism constructively. Choose your setting carefully – timing is everything. Do so after a meal and not when you’re hungry. For example, Esther gave two banquets before she approached the king. Afterwards, she got what she desired. Criticize in private – praise in public. Consider the feelings of the other person. How do you find out when it is okay? Ask! “Honey, do you mind me sharing a constructive suggestion with you tonight?” S/he will either say “Yes” or “No.” If “No”, usually curiosity will cause your spouse to aks about it later. Then s/he will be mentally prepared and less defensive. Doesn’t that make sense? Most people want to be helped and desire honesty in the relationship if they are just approached the right way. However, “A man convinced of his will is of the same opinion still!”

Don’t share until you are sure the other party is emotionally ready. Don’t give an overdoese! One common failure is to pour it on! (“…And another thing, and another thing, etc.”) Hagar the Horrible gets permission and then says, ‘Better sit down and get comfortable.’ Most don’t realize how critical they have become…LISTEN to yourself, Proverbs 17:9. Warning: Overdosing kills the motivation to change. Suggestion: Only one criticism a week!

That ought to be enough – that’s 52 a YEAR!

Go on a 24-hour criticism fast.

Couple criticism with compliments. Notice the ration: 3 compliments to 1 criticism in Revelation 2:1-4. “The bitter pill of criticism can be swallowed much easier if first sugar-coated with the medicine of sincere praise.” Mary Poppins says: “Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down!”

More to come in a few weeks.